Hard Out Here For A Bitch

lily allenEveryone is getting pretty hot and bothered at the minute over Lily Allen’s new catchy and controversial single ‘Hard out Here’. The internet and papers alike went into meltdown debating the video’s issues with race, feminism and everything else in between. But I think we have an equally pressing issue at hand – does Lily Allen know what it is to be a bitch?

Lily Allen says she has reclaimed the word ‘bitch’ once and for all – she reckons it is nothing short of a compliment.

Dolly Parton is a bitch. Adele‘s a bitch. Angela Merkel is a bitch…Rihanna‘s an inspiring bitch, Miley [Cyrus] is a bitch rising…Kate Middleton is not a bitch.”

But I have to disagree, at best Rihanna, Miley et al are ‘betches’ – the diet coke sipping girls who know their credit card numbers off by heart and eat pita pockets but never bread. Kate Middleton, on the other hand, is an extremely bad bitch. She hops on and off carriages, wears McQueen and won’t be  messed with on the hockey field.

Everyone knows no one does bitchiness like the British. While we have royalty and the Bronte sisters, the rest of the world only has the Kardashians, who for all their over tanned skin and glossy hair can never be true bitches.

Prime examples of British bitchiness at its best include K-Mid’s flawless blowdry, Victoria Beckham’s refusal to smile and women of great power always carrying equally great handbags (see the Queen and Maggie Thatcher). Everyone else is an amateur.

The original bad bitch was Princess Margaret. The infamous party girl ordered everyone to address her as ”Ma’am,” except for her closest friends, who were permitted to call her ”Ma’am darling.” When asked how the Queen was she would reply, “My mother, my sister or my husband?”. How can Gwyneth’s smug love of quinoa and Madonna’s yoga arms compete with a woman who spent most of her life hanging out with rockstars in Mustique, was the first royal to wear a bikini and died watching reruns of Batman?

The true meaning and way of the bitch has not changed much over the years, but naturally some just do it better than others. Some women could never get away with being a bitch – it’s a sensational mix of charm and wickedness and certainly not for the faint hearted. People love to hate them. In real life they are unbearable but in fiction, tv and film they are an unstoppable force people can’t get enough of. They is nothing more thrilling than watching someone who ought to be well behaved being a bitch instead. No one should be able to guess whether they will shower you with compliments or strangle you with their feathered boa.

At the end of the day all it takes to be a true bad bitch is a love of extravagance and strong spirits, but not pita bread- a bad bitch wouldn’t diet for anybody.

-Kirsty McKenzie


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