1. Right, let’s settle down and pretend I know the first thing about this game. Patriots vs Falcons. Seems easy enough.
2. I wonder why they wear leggings? Oh, one of them turned around. Okay, I see the reason now.
3. IS THAT THE SCHUYLER SISTERS? YAAAAAAAS!
4. What an absolute belter the US National Anthem is.
5. Who’s this guy tossing the coin? Oh. George Bush Senior.
6. Right, there seems to be a lot of standing in this game and not much actual sport.
7. Meh, who am I to judge? Now where are those nachos?
8. A quarter has passed, apparently. Nothing exciting as of yet.
9. Damn the Falcons are winning. C’mon Tom Brady, where you at?
10. I’m pretty sure Brady supports Trump. I’ll look past it just this once.
11. This game is my worst nightmare. Too much running and catching for my liking.
12. Interception seems to be important. I’ll just cheer when the others cheer.
13. Okay, the Patriots finally have some points!
14. Another quarter down. Again, nothing of much interest.
15. Half time already? Nothing happened!
16. C’mon Gaga, let’s liven this thing up. Where is she?
17. Ah. The roof, I should have known.
18. And she’s jumping, of course.
19. She’s starting “Telephone”! Beyoncé I am ready for you!
20. WHAT! NO BEY? I may as well go home now.
21. Okay, it’s starting again, go Patriots!
22. A touchdown! At last!
23. I LOVE THIS GAME.
24. 16 points down with 10 minutes to go. C’mon!
25. Woah, that was an impressive catch, nice work Edelman.
26. We can do this!
27. Just sayin’, but if Gostowski had got that kick in, we’d have one by now.
28. Okay, we’re on overtime. This has never happened before apparently.
29. Maybe Beyoncé will have to perform under special circumstances.
30. We won the coin toss!
31. I LOVE THIS GAME!
32. Right, if people could just get the ball over the touchdown line, that would be great.
33. Ahhhhhhh. So close, yet so far!
34. WE WON! WE WON! GOD BLESS AMERICA!
35. So, that’s over. Bedtime?
– Jess Simpson