D*** F*****: Behind the Magic

Hello readers, I’m Rita Skeeter and I write for the distinguished GUU monthly prophet, G-You magazine.

Picture this, Fergus Greig, a muggle boy of just 21, President of the Glasgow University Union enters the building to find his home transformed into the magic of the wizarding world. For 12 weeks in the lead up the infamous D*** F***** Fergus found himself disbanded from the GUU every Wednesday and Sunday while the magic began. He remained clueless in the face of the preparations about the actual existence of such this mythical event, as the magic of D*** F***** lies in its exclusivity, secrecy and lack of assurance that it will reappear from year to year.

Featuring Bondax, Gabrielle Aplin and Ava Love our President sure was in for a treat. Guests were also treated to a jazz quartet, Swing Sensation, Disco Through the Ages, Lazer Tag, a headphone disco and (of course) a gourmet breakfast feast in the Great Hall. The walls of Hogwarts were transformed into lifelike scenes from Potters past and butter-beer was a plenty from the outset. Greig’s dress ropes were scrutinised, singing skills tested at the annual karaoke and dancing shoes worn to the ground at the Yule Ball (a two-hour ceilidh and HIVE til 8 made quick work of that).


A team of talented elves guarded the secret theme for 12 weeks in the build up to this sought after event, while working their magic (fuelled by ample good wines and late nights) to transform the evening into something to celebrate for the President.

One of the honoured guests of the night, Miss Cho Chang (long sought after date to Potter himself) spilled the secrets of the magic behind the scenes.

“Having experienced the magic that is D*** F***** throughout my university career and being utterly stupefied by its intrigue, I thought to myself, “I really must get involved.” This is an event created entirely by a student body of talented painters, and not-so-talented builders – I knew it was my calling to be a builder. The process of my getting involved began by signing up to the builders interviewing process at the Glasgow University Union’s Committees Fair. From this moment, the anticipation really did rise exponentially. After receiving an email telling me to arrive at the GUU one fine Sunday, I knew there was no other way I wanted to spend my Sundays. Sitting in a room full of potential D*** F***** builders, my name was called and I walked into the panel. Unfortunately, to save the surprise for those of you who will undoubtedly sign up next year after reading this article, I will say no more about the interview. Apart from the fact that I came out traumatised. A matter of hours later, I received the good news – I was now a builder. A sentence I never thought I’d be happy to say.

What was to come was more than I could have expected. Having the theme revealed to us, our very own Harry Potter, it was nothing but sheer joy and excited anxiety that I felt. Every single Sunday from that point on was spent in the great four walls that is the Debates Chamber, working on our staggering transformations. A sign would be placed on the doors of the Chamber – “D*** F***** Committee only. No entry.” How exciting. How exclusive. Before, Sundays were spent walking between the couch and the fridge, with the only exercise being the scrolling of my social media finger and thumb-pressing on the tv remote. Now, this was replaced with hours of genuine physical handiwork. It involved learning how to use power tools, and how to rasp a piece of hardboard without removing 789420 layers of skin in the process. Basic adult tasks that I will use later in life. I found myself saying things such as “what a lovely piece of hardboard,” and it was at this point I realised that D*** F***** really does change you.


Being completely genuine, I have never felt such satisfaction and pride in seeing the end result. Watching the painting team recreate scarily life-like scenes onto (beautifully made) wooden boards, to create an atmosphere in such a large space, was wonderful. The talent that exists within the committee is inspiring. It was only in getting involved that I appreciated the dedication, hard graft and love that is put into the making of this event. Looking around on the night and seeing fellow students having the time of their lives, dressed to impress, felt like an unexplainable achievement. Knowing that I was a part of the making of the most successful event of the student calendar was nothing short of lovely.

In joining the D*** F***** Committee, I not only lost the lazy-Sunday life, but I made incredible friends and made incredible memories. Through a cascade of stories that should never be told, something amazing is made. And it is this that makes D*** F***** so absolutely wonderful.

If you don’t sign up for an interview next year, you are astonishingly silly.”


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